Amazing, as always.

health(ier)y

I am trying to eat a bit more on the healthy side.  I'm not being fanatical about it because...well I have before and I just don't have that kind of time right now.  I'm starting slow.  Making small changes.  It really seems like when I go all dramatic and change everything all at once it not only fails miserably but I feel a little craz(ier)y.  So right now I'm still making dinner however I want.  But breakfast and lunch are changing.  Typically I only eat one, but today I decided I'd have toast for breakfast since I was up at 8am.  For lunch it was pita with hummus and bell peppers with ranch I made myself using a seasoning packet and skim milk, I substituted Greek yogurt for the cup of mayo though.  Dinner was pasta salad and Veg burgers on whole wheat buns.  So it was small tweaks here and there.  For desert tonight we had apples with caramel dip...one day I will forgo the caramel dip but the serving size is 2Tbsp per apple and we averaged 1Tbsp...so I guess that's better.  I had grapes too.  Cause they looked good.  And they're grapes, not crepes.  I really have to start taking this heart health stuff more seriously.  I started riding my exercise bike last week, 25mins a day is my max so far but better than nothing I guess.  I still drink a pot of coffee a day but we cut back from 2-3 diet Cokes a day to 1.  The rest is water with Real Lemon or Lime.  I know I need to quit smoking.  I fully understand how much of an impact that would have on everything.  But lets be real.  Right now, it's not going to happen.  I have my limits.  If I wanted to get on some serious daily anxiety meds (instead of the "as needed" I have now) maybe.  But I sat myself down and I said, "Self, let's be realistic.  What's more important.  Diet and exercise or smoking." I could not answer myself.  But I did determine that if I quit smoking and that's all, I will probably gain wait and increase negative eating habits (need hand to mouth motion? reach for a Cheeto) which has counterproductive issues, obviously.  As it is, I have cut back to anywhere between 1/2 to 3/4 pack a day.  That's much less than it used to be.  I got up to 1 1/2 at one point.  1 a day is bad.  But it's still an improvement that doesn't cause added stress.  So I guess I'm trying to move in the right direction.  I'm pretty convinced I'm going to have a heart attack.  We'll see what my blood pressure is tomorrow.  I'm hoping lowwwwwww.  It's possible!

It's 2am.  I'm going to stop typing about food and take all my multitudes of vitamins and go to sleep, or at least go lay down.  I'm not finding that regular blogging is helping my writers block but I am determined to push through it!!

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vita-meeta-vegee-min

I'm sitting here watching The Troop (on AFN Family, not entirely by choice) and trying to get the courage to start taking my nightly medicines.  Only 3 of them are real prescriptions.  Zyrtec, cholesterol pills and the anti-cuckoo pills.  Then starts the vitamins.  I'm going to name them then take one.  Cause maybe it'll make it easier to down them.  I will want to get this over with to get on with the rest of my life.  So.  Vitamin E, 2 little gels.  Easy.  The end of easy.  Now lets go with...the giant oil pill.  I forget what it is except that there is sunflower oil and I think (gag) fish oil...it helps my heart and I need all the help I can get there right now.  It's huge though.  This one take the most courage.  Yup, I gagged.  Moving on.  Hair, skin and nails vitamin.  Check.  I really think it's working, especially in the cocktail I take.  Mmmk.  Now...2 Calcium/Vit D pills, total of 1200mg calcium.  This doc insisted since I'm lactose intolerant and old.  Got those 2 down.  Alright.  Now some super B-complex vitamin.  Not bad.  And last but not least, the prenatal vitamin.  Don't be crazy.  It's just the same as a good multi-vitamin only the doc can prescribe it aka it's free instead of $10+ a bottle.  Ta-Da! That only took about 5 minutes.  That's not bad at all.  Not for me anyways.

The vitamins really are working for my hair and nails though.  My hair is growing way fast and my nails are stronger.  It's great since I'm actually trying to grow my hair out.  The nails have got to go though.  They're horrible.

Today Taylor fell.  On her face.  She and Kiara came home and worked on their homework and they did really good.  They helped each other I guess so they did really good and only missed 2.  Not too shabby.  So I let them go to the park since it has still been decent out.  About 15mins later someone knocks.  It's two older girls I don't know.  They say, "Um, Taylor fell, um, on her face? At the park? And she's hurt? She went to Jasmines? Jasmine wanted us to tell you?" - - I swear to God every single thing was a question.  Poor kids lol.  So I found shoes and started to head over to Jasmines but Taylor and Kiara were already heading up the driveway.  Tays lip was all bloody and her chin was scraped up.  She also has a scrape on her cheek right below her eye.  Poor kid.  Jasmine's babysitter cleaned the cuts up so I went over them again and then put Neosporin on them.  I gave her tylenol and ibuprofen cause the swelling was ridiculous.  It still hasn't gone down.  I just emailed her teacher to let him know she's not going to be there tomorrow.  She bursts into tears every time she looks in the mirror and says she looks "hideous".  What 9 year old has issues like that? Apparently all of them.  I tried telling her she looked like a UFC fighter but that did not work.  At all.  It may have even had the opposite effect of the one I was going for.  Sigh.

I guess I should try to get off of here.  Pretty Little Liars is on...I'm guessing this is a REALLY old one...and it's the only one I've ever actually watched...but maybe I can fall asleep and have just serial killer dreams instead of vampires AND serial killers.  We'll see.

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your mom goes to college!!

I got all registered for school.  I'm somewhat scared of Biology.  I'm not even really sure how one accomplishes labs while in an online class.  I guess I'll learn.  I'm BEYOND excited to start Philosophy.  The Library Skills class will be pretty painless, I think.  It's less than a month and it just teaches me how to research things online.  Which I think is strange.  Maybe I'll find better methods through this class.  But I think in these days and times everyone knows how to find things on the net.  Google is a glorious thing.  We shall see.  2 classes I don't care to take and 1 I am dying to take.  Next semester will be the same.  Math and Writing with a good class thrown in.  Soon I'll get to 2 good classes and 1 "meh" class.  Maybe.  The beginning isn't as fun as the end.  Math.  Ew.  Biology.  Ew.  Oh and some computer course about systems and stuff.  Ew.  Sociology.  Philosophy.  Psychology.  Those are my classes, the ones I want to take.  Just gotta get these icky ones out of the way.

Today I was cleaning the big bathroom and got all crazy.  I decided it was time to move EVERYTHING.  I moved Tay's bed off of the full size frame we had it on...it was weird.  Cause her bed is a queen.  We need to find a new frame for it but we have limited access.  I really need a road trip to Ikea.  But anyways.  So I moved her bed.  Then I moved the full bed into the other room and rearranged the other 2 beds...then I moved 4 dressers all around.  Then I moved an armoire and night stand table thing.  And now I can't move.  It hurts.  I took a bath and 3 Tylenols.  I'm on my second batch of 3 Tylenols.  It's not pretty.  So far I can still walk though, that's a plus.  If this continues (the range of movement) I'll get some more done tomorrow!! It's very exciting.  I don't have a lot left up there...it needs to be done.  My whole downstairs is finished.  Swept and mopped ala Danny and Taylor.

I got more pictures of the puppy!! I'm so excited.  I'm just rambling and not even all that coherently.  I guess I'll stop this blogging and go back to watch some more Rules Of Engagement and drawing.  I've been drawing a lot.  I can't draw.  So it's interesting, to say the least.

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finally

After years upon years of having a "regular" doctor I have finally found one I want to keep.  I have had run ins with cool docs here and again but Dr. Rochat is by far the coolest.  I really liked my Psychiatrist too but that's a diff kind of Doc.  Dr. R listened to me and actually asked me questions and offered new thoughts.  He was funny and commiserated and everything.  He switched a few of my meds, including taking me off Ativan and putting me on Xanax.  It scares me a little cause Xanax has a rep...but after some research I've found that it's in the same family and has the same traits.  The main difference is that it works quicker and lasts longer.  And when it comes to panic attacks, that's sort of important.  He said for General Anxiety Disorder Ativan is a good choice.  I do have GAD but it's somewhat controlled with the other pills I have to take.  It's very rare that I have break through anxiety but when I do, if I catch it soon enough the Ativan works alright.  If I don't it's not extremely helpful.  So we'll see if this works better.  I had to take some tonight.  So far I can still function, which is a major plus.  I am not a fan of Zombie Bri.  He suggested I develop a relationship with a Psychiatrist here for if I have any med issues in the future but also said that since I've been on them so long and they work for me that he's more than happy to just keep refilling them.  Which is a load off.  I honestly thought I'd go in and they'd say they couldn't refill that kind of med and I'd HAVE to see a Psych.  I'm okay with seeing one but I'd prefer to have my PCM do basic refills.  It's just easier.  He said that he has a good working relationship with the Psych Doc's so he's willing to collaborate if need be.  He also made a point to tell me that there are a lot of Bi-Polar peeps that are absolutely brilliant, smarter than non-BPD and typically more artistic.  That set me at ease too.  I've had some Doc's act almost scared or put off when they ask me why I'm on Lamictal.  I can tell they'd be more comfortable with me saying, "I have severe seizure disorder" (another thing it treats).  Which pisses me off, to be honest.  I don't like it when people try to make me feel bad about BPD.  It's not like I chose to have it.  Hell, I didn't even accept the diagnosis for the longest time.  I just suffered and tried to suck it up like a good little girl.  The first time I was diagnosed was in 2002.  It didn't stick till 2009.  I have been actively getting treatment since then and it really does make a difference.  I'm "crazy", but so are a lot of other people.  I've just gotten to the point where I accept my form of "crazy", named it, and moved the eff on.  Not everyone does that, a lot of people don't have the strength.  And that, my friends, is how we have such high suicide rates.  And probably even responsible for some homicides.  And self-medicating illegal drug use.  Alcoholism.  When people don't embrace who they really are or refuse a diagnoses it helps no one.  I truly believe that BPD is just like Diabetes or thyroid disorders or...any other number of chemical imbalances.  No one says that a Diabetic shouldn't take insulin or gives them trouble for doing so.  Why is Bi-Polar so different? It's the same thing, just affects a person in a different manner.

Maybe Xanax does have a weird effect on me cause I just went off on a tangent about my brain.  Hmm.  The point was I liked my Doc lol.

Rachel and I decided that we need to do something with our lives.  There is very little to do during the week.  Shopping, of course.  But neither of us have an unlimited money source so that's only good for one or two outings.  So we've decided it's time to pursue higher education.  We've both done the Cosmetology thing but she let her license lapse and I still have 500hours before I could even be licensed.  I can't do anything about that in the next 3 years.  So I need to do something to fill that time.  I've mostly decided on a major and minor, now just to go to the Ed Center to get the ball rolling.  For those of you that are curious, I've decided to major in Sociology and either minor in Criminal Justice or Psychology.  If I have any time left, toss in some Creative Writing.  I also want to start with taking German.  I'd love to take some more French because I adore the language and have 4 years under my belt...but German is more practical for now.  The most practical is Spanish, for life in general, but not for the next 3 years.  It will be possible to brush up on my French at home before a trip to France and then to seriously study German.  Knowing 3 languages is good, I guess.  Even if it's just conversational in 2.  I don't have to be fluent, I guess.  Which is good because I probably never will be.  But yes.  Education.  It seems uber important.  And really exciting.  I'd like to be able to say I finished something.  3 years here and then finishing up stateside would be perfect.  And I could maybe find a job working with troubled youth some how with a degree like that.  Even rehab counseling if I wanted.  There are a lot of options.  I'd say school counseling but I'm not sure where would hire me.  Maybe I will find some good makeup for my hand/face tattoos.  Something practical.  Anything is possible with proper motivation.

Enough of all of that.  I'm suddenly very tired.  So I should take advantage of that and hit the hizzay.  By the way, if anyone was wondering about my very random rambling blogs I am desperately trying to unblock.  I have wicked writers block.  The closest to "inspired" I've been is looking at art a few friends have on their FB pages.  A girl I knew from church forever ago, another Rachael, has some serious muse worthy stuff on her page.  Maybe if I take a look at her stuff on a quiet day I'll get motivated.  But blogging and making my brain send waves to my fingers could help too.  I just need to do a lot of work I guess.  Push through it.  I have one book completely written except for some fine tuning.  Being completely modest, it's effing awesome.  I'm very secure in that.  I just need to write a pre-book that I can sell on Kindle for $0.99 and then the next for $2.99.  I've been reading some Amanda Hocking and that's how she does it, I respect that.  Her paper books sell for closer to $10 but it's a really good way to get her work out there on the Kindle.  I read her My Blood Approves book 1 last night and today started #2...They're "can't-put-down" books which I love.  This series is Vamp, of course.  It's similar to all the others, human girl/beautiful vamp boy...but with a twist.  I enjoy them immensely.  I went ahead and bought the 3 I didn't have tonight.  For $3 each it was an easy buy.  No guilt.  After putting 250E on the puppy spending more unnecessary money seems frivolous.  But I can justify $9 for 3 books fo' sho'.

Puppy! Have I mentioned puppy??? Maybe I have.  I don't know.  Here he is

His current name is Izaiah cause we had to pick an "I" name, he's from the "I" litter.  But I am debating changing it to Jax Teller when we get him home (Sons Of Anarchy, for those of you that don't know him by name).  I think Zaiah could be super cute too and I'm actually leaning towards it right now.  His registered name will be Izaiah [insert scripture verse I find and like, for example] 4:15 von Schleisen.  He's a Merle Great Dane.  Yes, I'm aware he is going to be the size of a Shetland pony (or taller) when he is full grown.  That's part of the draw.  He's going to be amazing.  He'll be about 25lbs when we get him at 8weeks old.  How nuts is that?? He was born on Christmas Eve.  He's amazing.  Apparently there are breeders here that don't raise their Merles.  They can't be bred or shown so some breeders deem them to be not worth the trouble.  But the woman we found does indeed run them but they are more or less "clearance" puppies.  Much much much cheaper than the other colors she sells (Harlequins, Mantles and full black).  Harlequins sell for more than 1000E over what my boy will cost.  His Dad is a French Champ and his Mommy is a gorgeous Harlequin with a polkadotted nose.  And I am already in love with him.  Not that it takes much for me to love a schmuppy.

Okay this is beyond long enough.  I hope y'all are having a great week.

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mmm books

I just finished my book.  It's kind of depressing.  Because since it's over that means I'll have to wait another 6mos or more to read the next installment.  And it's all free Kindle books fault.  I found a prequel novella to a series of books...read the 30 pages or so, and I was hooked.  I then bought the next 3 in the series on Kindle because I couldn't find them in paper.  Of course, now they are everywhere (here at the PX at least, which is the equivalent of everywhere in my little world).  There was even another prequel to the prequel novella released (also free).  But I had forgotten I had pre-ordered the next in the series until I turned my Kindle on searching for something to read...and there it was.  Magic.  I started it last night and finished it today.  I'm not saying it's for everyone by any means but I would recommend the series to anyone that is into the paranormal/supernatural type books.

The Soul Screamers series by Rachel Vincent.  If you have a Kindle I recommend getting the novella that is still free first, it's called Reaper  Then you can see if you like them.  If not, go all out and buy the first book, My Soul To Take.  I can't get enough.  I like the books because they're different.  I've read books about fairies, goblins, pixies, vampires, werewolves, succubi, vampire hunters...I'm sure there are more.  But this series is about the Bean Sidhe, or Banshees.  There are demons and such, of course.  And "netherworld" creatures.  The best character in my personal opinion is Tod.  He's a Reaper.  But in a fairly non-creepy way.

Yes, they are YAFiction.  But then, so is Twilight.  And HP I guess.  I enjoy.

I have my Doc appt tomorrow finally.  It's going to be great.  I keep telling myself that.  I'm pretty sure I have impetigo again.  Maybe he'll address that as well as refill my meds.  I'm really hoping he doesn't give me trouble about refilling my Lamictal.  Or Wellbutrin for that matter.  The rest I feel pretty "eh" about but those two are essential.  I've heard that the MD's like to send patients to the PsyMD for refills on those meds.  Which is great...except that I don't have time.  I just too my last Lamictals tonight.  So if they don't give me something I might have to get grumpy.  I shouldn't over think this.  I really am though.  Like what will I say if they say...yeah, it's bad.

I'm so tired...I don't get it.  It's only 10:30.  It could be cause I didn't sleep last night.  But I know that if I go lay down I won't be sleeping anyways, I'll just be laying there playing Pogo on my iPod.  Lame.  My head hurts.  Lamer.  I guess I should go.  Pogo on here for a while before I go lay down with portable Pogo.

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the dream

I'm almost 30.  But I haven't yet reached what I want to do when I grow up.  Going to Cosmetology school was good, it taught me skills.  And I'd like to do it.  But I also want to help troubled teens.  I want to write books.  Bunches of them.  But mostly...mostly I want to be independently wealthy and buy a 200 year old farmhouse in the countryside, preferably here in Bavaria.  I want a private jet so I can see my friends and family whenever and they can see me.  I want to have about 12million puppies, rescues (and the ones I have now of course).  I want to have a couple of horses, a cow or two...maybe some piggies.  Goats, sheep, alpaca....I pretty much want a petting zoo.  With a salon in the house.  And a room off of the entry way where I can see my troubled youth psychology patients by day and write by night.

I am nearly 30.

Not good.

Tomorrow I need to call and get an appointment at the clinic.  Just med refills.  But I still hate it.  Bleh.  Tomorrow also ends winter break.  Which is probably a really good thing cause I think Tay is about to go stir crazy.  We've been doing stuff sporadically but it's not really the same as going somewhere and seeing people every day.  And I'll have some more time to clean.  Woo freakin' hoo.  I can only clean while I'm alone and music is very loud.  So having these people home is making my cleaning mojo low.

I have been drawing a lot lately.  It hasn't been going great, I'll admit, but at least I'm trying.  I'll prob post some pics at some point.  I'm going to color them first.  I was initially trying to design a tattoo, the one I'm getting for my cousins, but it's not going so well.  I figure I'll draw a bunch and take them in when I find the right place and they can see my ideas and improve on them.  I don't think it will be hard to improve haha.

Why am I so tired when it's only 7:45?? That's just not right.  I guess it's good since we have to get up early again.  Ew.  I'm just rambling now.  Maybe I'll have more to say tomorrow...maybe I'll have actually done something.  Riiiiiiight.

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