finally

After years upon years of having a "regular" doctor I have finally found one I want to keep.  I have had run ins with cool docs here and again but Dr. Rochat is by far the coolest.  I really liked my Psychiatrist too but that's a diff kind of Doc.  Dr. R listened to me and actually asked me questions and offered new thoughts.  He was funny and commiserated and everything.  He switched a few of my meds, including taking me off Ativan and putting me on Xanax.  It scares me a little cause Xanax has a rep...but after some research I've found that it's in the same family and has the same traits.  The main difference is that it works quicker and lasts longer.  And when it comes to panic attacks, that's sort of important.  He said for General Anxiety Disorder Ativan is a good choice.  I do have GAD but it's somewhat controlled with the other pills I have to take.  It's very rare that I have break through anxiety but when I do, if I catch it soon enough the Ativan works alright.  If I don't it's not extremely helpful.  So we'll see if this works better.  I had to take some tonight.  So far I can still function, which is a major plus.  I am not a fan of Zombie Bri.  He suggested I develop a relationship with a Psychiatrist here for if I have any med issues in the future but also said that since I've been on them so long and they work for me that he's more than happy to just keep refilling them.  Which is a load off.  I honestly thought I'd go in and they'd say they couldn't refill that kind of med and I'd HAVE to see a Psych.  I'm okay with seeing one but I'd prefer to have my PCM do basic refills.  It's just easier.  He said that he has a good working relationship with the Psych Doc's so he's willing to collaborate if need be.  He also made a point to tell me that there are a lot of Bi-Polar peeps that are absolutely brilliant, smarter than non-BPD and typically more artistic.  That set me at ease too.  I've had some Doc's act almost scared or put off when they ask me why I'm on Lamictal.  I can tell they'd be more comfortable with me saying, "I have severe seizure disorder" (another thing it treats).  Which pisses me off, to be honest.  I don't like it when people try to make me feel bad about BPD.  It's not like I chose to have it.  Hell, I didn't even accept the diagnosis for the longest time.  I just suffered and tried to suck it up like a good little girl.  The first time I was diagnosed was in 2002.  It didn't stick till 2009.  I have been actively getting treatment since then and it really does make a difference.  I'm "crazy", but so are a lot of other people.  I've just gotten to the point where I accept my form of "crazy", named it, and moved the eff on.  Not everyone does that, a lot of people don't have the strength.  And that, my friends, is how we have such high suicide rates.  And probably even responsible for some homicides.  And self-medicating illegal drug use.  Alcoholism.  When people don't embrace who they really are or refuse a diagnoses it helps no one.  I truly believe that BPD is just like Diabetes or thyroid disorders or...any other number of chemical imbalances.  No one says that a Diabetic shouldn't take insulin or gives them trouble for doing so.  Why is Bi-Polar so different? It's the same thing, just affects a person in a different manner.

Maybe Xanax does have a weird effect on me cause I just went off on a tangent about my brain.  Hmm.  The point was I liked my Doc lol.

Rachel and I decided that we need to do something with our lives.  There is very little to do during the week.  Shopping, of course.  But neither of us have an unlimited money source so that's only good for one or two outings.  So we've decided it's time to pursue higher education.  We've both done the Cosmetology thing but she let her license lapse and I still have 500hours before I could even be licensed.  I can't do anything about that in the next 3 years.  So I need to do something to fill that time.  I've mostly decided on a major and minor, now just to go to the Ed Center to get the ball rolling.  For those of you that are curious, I've decided to major in Sociology and either minor in Criminal Justice or Psychology.  If I have any time left, toss in some Creative Writing.  I also want to start with taking German.  I'd love to take some more French because I adore the language and have 4 years under my belt...but German is more practical for now.  The most practical is Spanish, for life in general, but not for the next 3 years.  It will be possible to brush up on my French at home before a trip to France and then to seriously study German.  Knowing 3 languages is good, I guess.  Even if it's just conversational in 2.  I don't have to be fluent, I guess.  Which is good because I probably never will be.  But yes.  Education.  It seems uber important.  And really exciting.  I'd like to be able to say I finished something.  3 years here and then finishing up stateside would be perfect.  And I could maybe find a job working with troubled youth some how with a degree like that.  Even rehab counseling if I wanted.  There are a lot of options.  I'd say school counseling but I'm not sure where would hire me.  Maybe I will find some good makeup for my hand/face tattoos.  Something practical.  Anything is possible with proper motivation.

Enough of all of that.  I'm suddenly very tired.  So I should take advantage of that and hit the hizzay.  By the way, if anyone was wondering about my very random rambling blogs I am desperately trying to unblock.  I have wicked writers block.  The closest to "inspired" I've been is looking at art a few friends have on their FB pages.  A girl I knew from church forever ago, another Rachael, has some serious muse worthy stuff on her page.  Maybe if I take a look at her stuff on a quiet day I'll get motivated.  But blogging and making my brain send waves to my fingers could help too.  I just need to do a lot of work I guess.  Push through it.  I have one book completely written except for some fine tuning.  Being completely modest, it's effing awesome.  I'm very secure in that.  I just need to write a pre-book that I can sell on Kindle for $0.99 and then the next for $2.99.  I've been reading some Amanda Hocking and that's how she does it, I respect that.  Her paper books sell for closer to $10 but it's a really good way to get her work out there on the Kindle.  I read her My Blood Approves book 1 last night and today started #2...They're "can't-put-down" books which I love.  This series is Vamp, of course.  It's similar to all the others, human girl/beautiful vamp boy...but with a twist.  I enjoy them immensely.  I went ahead and bought the 3 I didn't have tonight.  For $3 each it was an easy buy.  No guilt.  After putting 250E on the puppy spending more unnecessary money seems frivolous.  But I can justify $9 for 3 books fo' sho'.

Puppy! Have I mentioned puppy??? Maybe I have.  I don't know.  Here he is

His current name is Izaiah cause we had to pick an "I" name, he's from the "I" litter.  But I am debating changing it to Jax Teller when we get him home (Sons Of Anarchy, for those of you that don't know him by name).  I think Zaiah could be super cute too and I'm actually leaning towards it right now.  His registered name will be Izaiah [insert scripture verse I find and like, for example] 4:15 von Schleisen.  He's a Merle Great Dane.  Yes, I'm aware he is going to be the size of a Shetland pony (or taller) when he is full grown.  That's part of the draw.  He's going to be amazing.  He'll be about 25lbs when we get him at 8weeks old.  How nuts is that?? He was born on Christmas Eve.  He's amazing.  Apparently there are breeders here that don't raise their Merles.  They can't be bred or shown so some breeders deem them to be not worth the trouble.  But the woman we found does indeed run them but they are more or less "clearance" puppies.  Much much much cheaper than the other colors she sells (Harlequins, Mantles and full black).  Harlequins sell for more than 1000E over what my boy will cost.  His Dad is a French Champ and his Mommy is a gorgeous Harlequin with a polkadotted nose.  And I am already in love with him.  Not that it takes much for me to love a schmuppy.

Okay this is beyond long enough.  I hope y'all are having a great week.

Word.